I don’t think you have any idea how intense the anguish is that I’m going through right now, as it’s tearing my whole being apart. It seems as though I am tearing open my own chest with my bare hands, and there are claw marks all over my chest. Additionally, it feels as though someone is grasping my heart and attempting to rip it in two. It’s as if I’m hiding in the shadows, crouching on the ground, and tearing at the walls. Comparable to the serenity of sitting on the edge of a cliff while looking down at the raging waters below and wishing they would simply swallow you up whole.
It’s as if you’re grasping at anything in the hope that it will ease this misery. I have trouble breathing. Make it stop. It’s a complete and utter mess. You are exhausted by the idea that you do not belong in this world because you are too sensitive and too feeling to survive, and you want to pull your hair out and self-harm until it all simply vanishes, along with you, so that you can vanish as well. You were never able to play the game of being an emotionless zombie even if you tried. Because I don’t hide who I am or what I feel, certain people in this world try to consume me. I have the distinct impression that I do not belong in this world. I never did.
Nobody ever truly discusses with you the physical suffering that is associated with having borderline personality disorder (BPD). It was said that I felt emotions more than others, likening it to suffering from third-degree burns, but I don’t think you ever grasp how physically intense it actually is. A trigger can send you careening into this darkness that consumes you both physically and mentally, and it can take days before the intensity dies down, along with the suicidal thoughts that come along with it because it is so unbearable. A trigger can send you spiralling into this darkness that consumes you both physically and mentally.
I wish I could say that as time goes on, it becomes less difficult to feel, but unfortunately, it does not. My experience with dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), on the other hand, has equipped me with a wide variety of strategies that I may use to manage the severe physical symptoms that accompany experiencing tremendous emotions. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was worthwhile in the end that I learned to just sit with those bodily symptoms and let myself feel them.
